Where to start? How about the lineup? Do you realize that at one point Michael Jordan beat Dominique Wilkins in the Kotex Sprite Slam Dunk Contest? Yes, Hall of Fame players used to participate in this!!! And, even better all the way through Vince Carter there were no props!! No cars, no capes, no small children or aging veterans wheeled out to be dunked over.
This year we were graced with James White, Gerald Green, Terrence Ross, Jeremy Evans, Eric Bledsoe, and Kenneth Faried. All of these players, save Faried, I had to look up their name and how to spell for this article. Forgive me if I don't clear out a wing in Springfield for those six. I don't blame today's stars for not participating in the Kotex Sprite Slam Dunk Contest. After all, there is no incentive for them to participate and all the reasons in the world not to. If LeBron James loses to these jokers he never hears the end of it and if he wins, well he should have. You can't incentivize the Kotex Sprite Slam Dunk Contest enough to get the stars out. They have cars and money. Other than a free kick to the groin of David Stern, there is nothing these players want.
Problem Numero Dos: The judging
I have no problem with having former members of the hosting team as judges. In fact, the more Dikembe Mutumbo the better. He should be full time judge. But at least make it seem like they are interested in what just happened. Make them look official. Don't give them the same number posters that you give the fans!! Also, it's okay to not give 10's. These dunks aren't your wife, you don't have to tell them they are a ten all the time. And finally, please stop rigging the contest. When one contestant is allowed to wheel out a car and the others have to take lobs from a player on the team, it gets a little obvious.
Side note: if Dikembe Mutumbo is all time judge he should also be allowed to attempt to block the dunks, because I cannot get enough of this commercial:
The last thing that needs to get better is the announcing. Poor Kevin Harlan was working hard tonight trying to balance Kenny Smith, Charles Barkely, Shaq, Rick Fox, and Nick Cannon. Harlan may want to use tonight's tape to secure him a job as long as he wants one. Just a barrage of terrible one-liners, swears, and laughing at their own jokes. I would rather watch Carlos Mencia have a yo momma competition with Skip Bayless than listen to these jokers crack wise about one another's jive threads. People still talk like that, right? Anyway, someone tell TNT that less is more. Kevin Harlan and one of the following: Shaq, Charles, Kenny, Conan O'Brien, Juwanna Mann, the kid from Like Mike, or Eddie Franklin. Speaking of Eddie Franklin, I love Rick Fox when he's pretending to be a basketball player in a movie, but that is it! Stop trying to let him do things!!
This Eddie trailer would also suffice as a replacement for the huge announcing booth. Enjoy the 90's-ness of this folks.
So, I know this one wasn't as ranty as my earlier material, but lay off it has been a couple of years!! I get rantier. However, in closing, I'd like to offer up a list of things I'd rather watch over the Kotex Sprite Slam Dunk Contest:
- NBA stars playing a video game, preferably one that this sports related, but not basketball. I'm thinking FIFA or NASCAR
- The contestants playing H.O.R.S.E. or S.P.R.I.T.E. or K.O.T.E.X.
- A slam dunk contest, but only of the players' illegitimate children on a Little Tikes hoop
- Space Jam
- YouTube videos of kids dunking on their Nerf hoop hanging on their door
Feel free to borrow any of those NBA/TNT
Also, I couldn't remember my sign off and I had to go look it up.
Tell yo friends about me!!